~Who's Crying Now?~

     There are mile stones in a mother/daughter relationship and my daughter and I passed one of them today.  I am speaking of the mile stone in which a mother losses her shit in a public place and causes a pre-pubescent girl to break into sub-subs. 

    We went shopping for the Marilyn Monroe costume and we left the mall with the daughter crying, the mother screaming (And almost getting hit by a porsche) and the other children in the car wishing they had been wise enough to stay home. 

    We came to town for two costume's, and only one had been purchased.  So to Walamrt we went.  When we pulled in there was even more crying and I yelled at my daughter.  Then we got out of the Durango and just stood next to it. I gave the disclaimer, "We are not going anywhere til you get it together."  And we stood there, like a bunch of iggits, for about five minutes.  We stood there for so long that an elderly lady hesitantly approached us--"Is everything okay here?"

    "Oh yes, we are just taking a moment to get ourselves together."  I said.

    "Oh thank heaven's I thought you had bad news for me" she said before getting into the Cadillac parked next to us.   

    And that reminded me that we are all the center of our own universe, and Miss Kate had a plan.  She is a twelve year old girl going to the mall with her friend--it should have been cool; I am sure she had planned for it to be cool.  She knows what the mall experience can be--she has gone to the mall with other mother's who hand out cash and cell phones and say, "Meet me back here in one hour." 

    Katie has had the twelve year old girl mall experience in which you get to touch every piece of jewelry at Claire's, try on fifteen different shirts at Wet Seal and wear every pair of shoes in your size at Payless.  She has had money in her pocket, and complete discretion on how she spends it--she has hung out in the eating court checking out the other twelve year old girls and the thirteen year old boys, and she has giggled with her friends.

    She has never had that mall experience with me.

    I am not a good shopper when I have children.  I am goal oriented--I came for something, I found it now let's go so that I can cook dinner, wash some clothing and punch out an hour of algebra. 

    I took my children to the mall today and I forgot that I wasn't the center of the Universe.  I had my agenda, and the desire to see every one of the five children in my care at all times. 

   I ruined my daughter's trip to the mall because I wouldn't step outside of myself and understand that my little girl was having a moment that she has earned by baby sitting, and cleaning and getting good grades.  She deserved a few hours to be a twelve year old girl at the mall.

    I should have given her twenty-five bucks and a cell phone and said, "Meet me back here in one hour."  I could have taken the boys across the street to Walmart, preformed that task and then picked up my girl--who would have had the day she planned.

   I didn't step outside of my agenda today--except for when I screamed at my crying daughter while I was at a stop light.  It didn't occur to me that I was being unfair until the lady who owns the Cadillac approached concerned that we had damaged her car. 

    "It isn't about you lady" I thought.  And ya know?  Today wasn't about me. We didn't go to the mall to get a costume--we went to the mall so my daughter could go to the mall.   

    The thing is, my little girl is twelve.  But just last week she was six, and she needed me to hold her hand and wash her hair.  Now she is responsible enough to babysit and to cook macaroni and cheese.  I know she can do her own laundry, take care of her hygiene and do her homework. 

   I also know that if I would have given my daughter the $25 I promised her and let her out of my sight, she would have bought the costume and had a good time with her friend.  She wouldn't have begged me for more, if I wouldn't have been hovering.  Instead of her sobbing and me screaming--it could have been a good day.

    She will remember this day at the mall with her mother.  So will I. 

  If my little girl were to go to school and read this website I would want her to know this:

     I thought we were going to the mall to buy a costume.  I forgot that going to the mall is a event for a seventh grade girl.  I ruined your day, and I was ugly about it. 

     The next time I take you to the mall I will remember how responsible you are, and I will remember what it was like to be a 7th grader at the mall with her best friend.   

    I'm sorry this day had to happen--ask your grandmother about the day she and I had at the mall, and how well that worked out. 

    The good news is that we have this day out of the way.  Next time we go to the mall I will remember that you want to have an event and that you are responsible enough to have earned one. 

Comments

[JenniferB]

I had a lot of those days with my own Mom when I was growing up (they didn't stop at 12, unfortunately) so I try to be sensitive to my 11 1/2 year olds' feelings, but I crushed them spectacularly recently and had to apologize also. Hang in there -- your girl has a great Mom who sees when things need to be different, and is trying to make them so.

[Laura]

I have also yelled at my 12yo daughter in the mall, and I never thought of it as a milestone before! Thank you for helping me realize that it's something that happens to every mother and daughter eventually. I always feel so guilty when something like that happens. It makes me dread going to the mall with her, even though we have had a couple times where we did have a great time... eating at the food court together and shopping and laughing about little things. I'm sure you and your daughter will have plenty of shopping trips like that, too. You sound like a great mom.

Wow! What an honest look at a day in the life of a mom! I know this scenario all too well. What a blessing that you were actually able to come to a moment of recognizing that you may have made a mistake in how you handled it all. What great insight and a humbling experience. Thanks for sharing that with the world!

[sylvia]

you helped me to take a good long look at myself also. thank you for sharing. your humility will take you far. thank God our daughters love us so and are forgiving.

[Valerie]

The silver lining is that our daughters can begin to see us as human and fallible, which we are. We can, through our mistakes, teach them the importance of apologizing when we realize we have made a mistake, which they will do too. And we empower them to give us a very special gift, which otherwise they could not, that of giving us their forgiveness. Thank you for this wonderful post.